Over the middle of Australia where only an aboriginal man has walked and looked up and seen me get overtaken. I wonder what they would be thinking? This land is so vast and so empty not unlike the blue sky that I am passing through and as inhospitable although for different reasons.
Archive for the ‘Virgin’ Category
Overtaken all in a good cause
Sunday, April 17th, 2016The dirty O word
Tuesday, October 21st, 2014In a world that tries to find an underlying medical condition for every variance from the perceived norm I am still regularly surprised and frustrated by the practise that explains away poor choices lack of self control or just plain stupid people as having a medical condition. A case in point is 90% of obesity is not related to a medical condition people just have too little self control make bad choices and eat too much. If we want a world of self reliant productive people we must first entrust them to make the right choices for themselves and then make them accountable for those choices.
As a funny ending to this soap box moment below is quite possibly the funniest complaint letter that I have had the pleasure of reading.
Do you like riddles? I do, that’s why I’m starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What’s fat as fuck, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That’s right, it’s the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.
As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle. As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn’t a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.
Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne – Eau No. Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it’s entirely possible that none of them actually saw me. Perhaps this photo will jog their memories.
Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn’t catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I’ll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I’ve given them all the same surname – Couldnotgiveashit). After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how shit they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to whichGiggly responded, “hehehe, they’re for crew only, hehehe“. I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.
I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgiveashit triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing, I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both “crew only” rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she’s flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.
Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn’t that exactly the same as having someone who can’t control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that’s why I’m demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row seat.
I’m also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I’m yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don’t recover completely, I’ll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay.
To discuss my generous compensation package, email me at: [Redacted], or tweet me at: @RichWisken
No regards,
Rich Wisken.
Gold pure gold.
Enhanced screening mirage
Monday, October 20th, 2014The special new air travel screening that we are seeing pop up all over the country is really little more than a Chemist warehouse twenty dollar digital thermometer and a lot of self-reporting. That charade is more theater than medicine, as Ebola has proven time and again, lying dormant well past the initial examination. The “enhanced” screening ignores the majority of the arrivals, and has a limited accuracy due to the incubation period of the disease, for the small minority of international arrivals who are screened.
it’s not air travel, it’s global mobility that is the vulnerability.
But what makes this the “enhanced” screening procedure absolutely useless or certainly 1 very small step above useless is that it relies so heavily on truthful answers to posed questions. And as we’ll know everyone lies. If you had a choice between getting into a country with our health system and not because you have a small fever I challenge any of you to say you wouldn’t lie your as the Americans would say “ass” off.
All governments but especially ours love to implement showy passenger screening changes for air travel only meanwhile completely ignoring qualified experts advice and charities on the ground pleading that intervention at the source by attacking the disease itself is the only meaningful intervention for this global threat.
That in a nutshell is the hopeless tragicomedy that is the “first world” public and government response to a deadly plague.
Push back
Thursday, September 19th, 2013All the vision in a plane flight deck is forward. Understandable yes? But when we leave the gate, what we call push back, we go backwards. These days the Captain steers, or the First officer if dual tillers installed, while the power push unit (ppu) drives. During this process you have ground control (ATC) the engineer, controlling the push steer right steer left, and starting engines. I can’t juggle but this should qualify.
You can’t see the ground crew, but the disembodied voice below respects the red beacons top and bottom flashing warning: these engines will come to life and suck you off your feet if you get within 25 feet once we light the fire.
With both engines running, she’s awake and coursing with her own power; hydraulics, electrics, pneumatics, like a track star stretching through the flight control check. Fuel check all a ok.
Nose to the blue, darkening to the east where the day expires like a prayer unsaid off to another place another time the challenge is a foot which I never tire of – bring it on.
Journey to Sydney
Sunday, July 14th, 2013Early mornings are always part if my job. Some are still and beautiful some ate cold wet and rough. Today is the later.
Menu
Wednesday, July 10th, 2013The delights of airline crew food.
Day 1 post leave
Monday, June 3rd, 2013Only a 0730 start so not super early and I have had 2 weeks off but going back to work feels slow this morning. You never get any better at early mornings it is not a skill that you can develop.
L
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